seeing the trees
2002-04-19@1:38 a.m.

So its kind of weird when a movie makes you start thinking about your life. Because no matter how much Hollywood tries to shove the whole "magic of movies" down America's collective throat, most people still think that movies are just entertainment. Even I (crazed star fucker that I am) sometimes think its all a bunch of crap. But sometimes a movie strikes a note that resonates inside of you and can't help making you think.

The Man Who Wasn't There. I'm really not smart enough to be able to tell you what themes in the movie led to this bought of introspection, lets just blame it on the mood of the piece coinciding perfectly with my own. Its the story of an ordinary man under extraordinary circumstances. And how many times have you heard that? Every movie claims to be the story of an ordinary person, but we know they really aren't, ordinary people don't act or look anything like that. So its kind of jarring when the description actually rings true.

So somehow in the middle of it all I got to thinking about my favorite subject of all time, me. I can admit that I'm egocentric (yes, I think its normal and no, I'm not happy about it.)

I'm overly preoccupied with what other people think of me. This diary may be the only evidence needed to support that. But everyone worries about what other people think of them. I can live with this.

I'm overly critical of myself. No matter how hard I've tried there's always a part of me that thinks I could have tried harder. But for the first time in my life I don't think I deserve all the things this little negative voice inside me says. I'm not perfect, I'm never going to be, no one else in the world is, and I can live with this.

I don't dislike myself anymore. There are things that I would change, but not all of them can be changed and somehow I can live with this. The only trouble is I'm not sure what to do now. I've spent so much of my life disliking myself that I don't know what to do now that I'm so close to, if not absolutely adoring myself, at least accepting myself for who I am.

I'm also a bit disturbed at how much I sound like a self help book right now. Oh well, I guess I can learn to live with that too.

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Name: MsMongi aka Kim
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