the abyss also looks into you
2002-05-02@7:24 a.m.

Isn't it odd when things in your life converge in a way that can only mean that someone's trying to tell you something?

My insomnia knows no bounds and has the unfortunate (to me) side effect of making me think about my life. I don't do that enough, but then again, when I'm doing it I feel like its too much. So yesterday lying in bed, after having been up for close to 24 hours and still showing no signs of dropping off anytime soon, I wanted so badly to cry. To just sob with all the strength in my body until I was so wasted with it that peace couldn't help but follow. But I didn't, because I couldn't. The tears welled up, but they wouldn't fall. I was left feeling more restless than ever, sore, and sick to my stomach.

I was getting desperate. I was actually contemplating renting A.I. again since that was the last thing that really made me cry. And then last night I finished The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay and I sobbed for a good fifteen minutes.

I felt great. Until I read this. And I simply could not remember the last time I cried for me. Not some character in a book or a movie.

Part of me does realize that every time I cry for a fictional person I'm crying for whatever it is about them that touched me, the commonalities of thought and theme that bonded me to them in the first place. The only problem is that I'm not quite ready to analyze what the bond is.

When my therapist asked me what it was about the little robot boy that made me weep for him, why I particularly identified with him, I couldn't tell her. I just didn't know, because there is something farther back in my subconcious that's screaming at me that I'm not ready to go there.

I described what situations that drew the most tears and I'm pretty sure she has some theories. I flucuate between dread and desire of one day being able to see for myself why certain fictional people make me weep. Then I'll know why I'm really crying and that would be nice, to know what it is in me that I'm mourning. But I'm also afraid I won't be able to handle those parts of me that I've buried this deep for a reason.

But on the other other hand it might be nice to have epiphanies that aren't fueled by some sort of media exposure. Sigh.

< coming soon to a theater near you - everything you wanted to know, but were too damn lazy to ask >

Name: MsMongi aka Kim
AIM: Lola_N_Slacks

Too Pink? Bite me.

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