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taking the long way home Before I got on my therapy kick, before I'd actually put into words to anyone what I thought was wrong with me, I used to "self-medicate" on a daily basis. That phrase normally applies to using drink or drugs to numb the pain, which I did plenty of, but I found other ways too. I wrote a lot of really bad poetry. I watched insane amounts of television. And I drove.
I used to take off in my car at all hours of the night or in the earliest hours of the morning and just meander the streets around my neighborhood. I had a specific route that I started on. I'd drive that for awhile, singing to my mix tapes at the top of my lungs. I could forget about everything and just immerse myself in the music and the rhythm of the car. When the sun started coming up I'd deviate from my path and duck into other neighborhoods to look at the houses. Some people might wonder about who lives in the houses. What are their lives like? Do they drink too much and beat their kids? Are they cheating on their wives or husbands? I couldn't have cared less about who was already living in these houses. In the midst of my own self absorption I just wondered what kind of person I would have to be to live there. What kind of person I would become if I did.
I used to want to be a writer. I wanted to stun the world with my brilliant insights and believable characters. My greatest achivement as a kid was earning a Distinguished* for my writing portfolio in the eigth grade. I recently found it in a trunk full of stuff from my childhood and looked over the pieces I submitted. They're almost all very dark. They're all spelled very well. And almost all of the plots and themes were lifted from someone else's work. (One of the most memorable thefts was a hodge-podge of a Garth Brooks song and a "true" story I once read in Reader's Digest.) At the time I joked that I was given a Distinguished because the judges were afraid I might kill myself.
I like to think of books as food. If at the end of a book I feel full I know it was good. Just like with food though, some are more nourishing than others. My favorite book in middle school and early high school was Wuthering Heights. A couple of years ago I couldn't remember if I'd really liked the book or if my pretentions of depth had inspired me. So I re-read it. Still filet mignon.* Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series; a Big Mac and fries. I should know, I've read them all and felt guilty afterwards everytime.
*Its a Kentucky thing. Distinguished was the highest rating you could get.
*I hate filet mignon. Its too tender. Its how I've always imagined humans might taste. < everything you wanted to know, but were too damn lazy to ask - i think i've just been jossed > |
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MsMongi aka Kim Too Pink? Bite me. |
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