mindless navel gazing or thought provoking self survey?
2002-04-01@7:10 p.m.

I've been wondering lately why its so important to me to write diary entries that are linear. As though the only way I could possibly make sense of myself is by reading my own thoughts in a form that would make sense to people who aren't me. I like conversations to make sense, I like them to follow specific lines. I get pissed off at my therapist when she asks me a question and I never get to answer it because somewhere in the preface to my answer was some nugget of information she thought should be explored instead, or maybe she just forgot what she'd asked.

And it doesn't make sense to me that I'm like this when I'm really not a linear thinker. My thoughts and daydreams and ideas jump about in my head like fleas. My mind goes off on a tangent, following a theme, stepping away for a song and only eventually comes back to what I was originally thinking when I force it to.

Its why I like paragraphs. I can't stand reading diaries that just lump all the thoughts and events of the day into one big paragraph. If you're done with a point and you're moving onto another then for God's sake hit the return key. Please?

I used to love free-writing in English class in high school. While the other kids bitched about not knowing what to write I got pissed when the teacher called time. One thing leads to another, but not always in the way other people expect or even understand. It may seem like a jump, but its really just a slide.

I wish I had more words. Words to describe a sigh that I can feel in my belly or a groan that never reaches my lips. I sometimes wonder if I could be taught to let it all out, or if there's a block in my head that likes it to stay inside. And I wish the term 'brain fart' wasn't related to spaciness or weirdness cause the phrase doesn't have that connotation for me. It sounds like a good thing. Better out than in I always say.

Are there two of me? Cause that would explain so much. Like how I can detest myself in the same breath as I worship myself. I don't think its just confusion. More words.

< don't take any wooden nickels - sounds so sweet to me >

Name: MsMongi aka Kim
AIM: Lola_N_Slacks

Too Pink? Bite me.

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