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self censorship is highly overrated rest�less
I'm just so tired of it. I want to be able to sleep first of all. But even more than that I'd like to be able to relax for five minutes without worrying about something else. Its like I can't even tell the difference between the important things and the stupid stuff I worry about anymore.
I'd like to be able to call my friends. I was supposed to call a friend of mine on Thursday and make plans with him for the weekend. But I was pretty sure on Thursday I wasn't going to feel like doing anything this weekend (cause honestly, I never really do.) Sure, I could have just called and told him this, but instead I've been angsting over it since Thursday and have yet to make the call.
I'd like to be able to tell my own psychiatrist everything without worrying what she's going to think of me. She's a psychiatrist. She's heard worse.
I'd like to be able to wake up one morning and not have death be the first thing that pops into my mind. Not have to suffer through five minutes of gut wrenching panic before I can pull myself together enough to get out of bed.
I'd like to be put on medication now. Isn't five years a long enough time of putting up with this bullshit for it to be obvious that there's something wrong with me that's not going to be fixed by talking?
Most of all though, I'd like to get some fucking sleep. When I want it. I'm fed up with laying in my bed for hours on end with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company. My thoughts suck. And I'm through with keeping myself awake so long that my mind has no choice but to shut down the minute my head hits the pillow. And I took the last two Tylenol PM three days ago.
Signed,
P.S. |
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Name:
MsMongi aka Kim Too Pink? Bite me. |
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