lord of the stink
2002-08-08@2:15 a.m.

Okay. I've been putting this off long enough. And I assure you, I am prepared for the tons upon tons of hate mail I'm likely to get for saying this. But I made a promise to my readers not so long ago that I would always be honest with them. And in that spirit I am bound to be forthright about something so many of my kind hold close to their hearts...

I hated Lord of the Rings.

Hated it! I liked Moulin Rouge better than this piece of crap. I'd rather watch Vanilla Sky a thousand times than be subjected to another second of hobbit shenanigans and Gandalf's big pointy stick.

Of course I'm not about to make a statement like that without explaining myself (whether you want me to or not) so let me lay it out for you.

Events vs. Characters
I've read the books and I couldn't even tell Merry and Pippin apart. One of them broke his carrot, but I can't be sure which. The number one complaint about the Harry Potter movie was that the filmmakers were so intent on packing in the important events that they sacrificed key character moments and adequate development. What and this didn't? I could have done without Bilbo's birthday party in exchange for a little more Sam/Frodo bonding. Hell I could have done without Bilbo period after the 30 minute explanation of the ring and what its for and where it came from and the lovely Tiffany box it came wrapped in. C'mon Jackson, how the hell am I supposed care about what's happening to these peop...uh..hobbits if I don't even know who they are?!

Hmm, pace. I've never seen a movie go so quickly from event to event and still be so mind numbingly boring. Jackson, dude, I realize you wanted to drill it into our heads how important the ring was and how much peril Middle Earth was in, but couldn't you have pared the scale down a bit. As I remember it (and precisely what I loved about it) the first part of the story was about these four cute, little hobbits (joined eventually by that sexy, mysterious Strider) and how much danger they were in. The meeting in Rivendell was where the Hobbits (and therefore the audience) learned how truly important the Ring was. In the book its a great, exciting scene. In the movie, its just another event who's revelations have been soiled by that horrid opening backstory that was meant to be learned along the way and the equally terrible Saruman vs. Gandalf fight scene that was only talked about in the book.

The movie did have a saving grace though. Homoeroticism...yum. When Bilbo presented Frodo with that Fabulous Mithril Chain Mail I almost cried. And when Boromir fell to the ground with a couple hobbits in tow (no, I really couldn't tell them apart) and preceded to play 'hide the carrot' I very nearly exploded in orgasmic delight. If a man stared at me the way Aragorn stared at Frodo I could die happy. Ah, homoeroticism, what would I do without you?

Bring on the hate mail.

< \"I knew I'd married a gay man!\" - entertain the brutes >

Name: MsMongi aka Kim
AIM: Lola_N_Slacks

Too Pink? Bite me.

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